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ugly.

dont look at my leg.please.
its ugly.
am i wrong? the stupid thinking of mine.
anyhows, thanks to the many many kind soul around.
i repeated the same old story for more than 10 times today.
why cant you guys just read it at this website? haha
yes, im not feeling too good.
i dont have a choice, i cant stay home.
thats the life of mine.
my life. my body. my health. my decision.
BUT, not something i can control.
i have to appear infront of some people everyday.
i cant choose if i want to.
i am force.
no matter how sick i am, no one will believe.
perhaps, i have lost something called trust.

thought of something just now, friends.
people that appear in my dreams most of the time.
i got so many things that i want to blog about just now.
but now, i think i just have to blog about it other time.
just a sudden feeling.
sorry about it.
oh well, i dont know what to say now.

8.03pm. i wish you let me be there. with you.

bad day.

the day. which i didnt quite enjoy.
the school didnt start off well. but it ended quite lovely though with my pb.
took bus home after i said bye to kleo.
as usual, nap in bus, and i overslept.
till the time i thought i could finally get home, my wallet gone missing.
so my wallet was in the bus.
ran more than 5 bus-stop.
i couldnt believe i was chasing those buses la.
managed to stop two bus 13 on the way.
and bus uncle kept telling me next bus. but which one?!
I ACTUALLY RAN FASTER THAN THE BUS. miracle eh?
so ran all the way to the bus terminal.
MY WALLET WAS IN THE BUS(:
thanks to that person who gave my wallet to the bus uncle.
the two bus uncle was kind too. a million thanks(:
so many many blisters. and so many many plasters.
tell me how can i run 2.4km tmr?
but im still glad that i managed to get my wallet back.
cos that one and only photo i got..

anyway, thanks to "those".
pb, thanks our motherly nice someone.
i felt the warmth? hah

till the time i thought i would call you, i didnt.
and i thought you'll be the first that i tell, but still, i did not.


alright. i'll stop here for today.
yes. i'll be your listening ear, the sad little one. hah

7.01pm. lies, i hate. blahh

12AM.

was home ard 12 plus last night.
and mum wasnt please.
so, went to her coffeeshop to work, sorta payback aye.
so like last week, went to that fishball noodle stall at 4+, but this time round, i didnt eat. was too tired. aft that ang fetch us home.

EWL(:
im kinda guilty, cos you quarrelled with your dad partly becos of me. sorry aye.
anyway, i just felt good talking to you.
yes, correct me if im wrong.
advice me(:
so in love with your face! but you just dont let me pinch it. hahah.
you just never fail to make me be so frank with you.

times when i dont wish im seeing the right things.
times that i hope im not so sensitive.
times when i hope i didnt care so much.
times when i wish you dont mean much.
times when i pray everything has a happy ending.
times when i thought everything was perfect?
somehow, it just turn the opposite.
perhaps, we shouldnt be.
you get what i mean? oh well well..

hey little alden, happy one month(:

9.11pm. i dreamt of you again.

our life

theres so many many things that need to be done.
LFL was kind enough to give us ss test every monday.
all she need was to use 5 min of her weekend to come out with a question.
but, the pathetic students have to sacrifies sleeping hours in order to study.
wordpower test with more than 400 words. and so many many things. its killing us aye.

hey everyone, failure to launch was not a bad show.
but yes, please choose a good seat and enjoy the show.
some scene was XXX, so if you guys dont really like it, dont watch.
well, everything was nice to me. i enjoyed.
just that, i did not really like sitting with the noisy pairs. which was sitting at my RIGHT HAND SIDE.
i promise to get that special seat if i go there again. i promise alright. haha
so today was sweet sweet popcorn and sweet sweet smell? haha
it was so sweet that i cant even take it. lol

dont make me wait. dont let me know when it is ending.
as usual, im praying "that" will happen. though i dont know when it will be, but stll, im praying hard.

7.54pm. that dream of mine.

YAWN

im done with SS essays. finally.
so many nights, i have been trying to get it done. but always end up sleeping.
if this is just the beginning of my nightmare, please tell me, how can i continue?
all of us are already dying. arent we? comparing who slept later and stuff.
yes. teachers, please show some mercy.
all i need, is some sleeping time. sweet dreams and no A.O.B
im still blogging becos i was told i must update my blog.
alright, it wont be a long one aye.
cos i think i should at least rest my eyes even though im not "tired" now.

yes, im tired.
my dearest friend, please dont let this continue.
but thanks for letting me realised that my life moved on without you.
so many many things that has happened, and you werent there.
but well, i never blamed you. you just merely let the others show some care and concern.
i still hope and pray for the better.
let's not allow stupid things to affect us anymore.
our words mean nothing, you know what i meant huh.
we just knew what the other is thinking yes? hahah.

alright, to that unhappy one.
yes, i'll be there. feel free to tell me.
i promise. and i will.

2.57am. just let me meet you in our blah blah land(:

another chance

yes. im so full now.actually its feeling FULL the whole day.
so today was kinda of like eating day. went to joo seng for fishball noodle after work, with mum and ang.
its like 4.30am, and so many many ppl get up to eat fishball noodle. hahah
then afternoon went to eat roast duck noodle with mum.
evening, went newton with uncle and his wife to eat seafood. oh my. NICE.
dont feel like saying much alr.
maybe, i shall talk about it one day.
you'll be sorry if you say whats not true and unfair alright.
not for threatening purpose, but just hope that you dont go too far.

9.45pm. its over.

..

im having second thoughts now.
should i?
its beocs of fear again.
alright. a feeling you never fail to make me feel.
and i really dont like it okay. bet you dont even know about it.
sometimes, i wish we can switch role. then you will know how i feel aye?
its torturing.
how would i bear to make you pay back. you know me.
BUT sometimes, you really dont.
contradiction? yes, it is.

hols is coming to an end alr.
i dont even know what i have done.
rahh, somebody please tell M.O.E to extend it!

anyw, yes. MISSION IMPOSSIBLE > FAILED. BOO!

6.03pm. act like you care alright.

thanks my friend

though we know each other for quite sometime.
but its till today we talk and stuff.
and you trying ways to help this pathetic person here.
yes, i know youre sincere.
but there are some things that im still unable to make decision, its hard for me to tell you either.
anyhows, thanks so much suzy! i love your lovely postcard(:


tab, thanks too(:
wanted to help you, but it actually turn the other way round. hahah
yes, third time you asking for my no. alr, if you ask again.. im gonna do something to you. LOL. im kidding alright.

thanks wayne, my brother.
you know why i thank you aye. HAHA.
yes, you really changed so much. hahahha

they still didnt get to meet up.
she say she isnt too angry now.
but now, why must the other person tolerate her?
isnt this unfair?
cant she just behave like one real adult and really be like one.


alright. neither the friends get to meet up together.
FATE then. i doubt that day will come. but still, i hope so eh?

alright, im not feeling too well. got to stop here i guess.
hopefully i'll get up later to complete that "mission impossible". rahh.

11.48pm. place me in your heart.

to be left outside alone

sound familiar aye?
to be left outside alone. a song. but somehow, somewhere, someone is going through this right now.
watched a season for love again.
it didnt fail to make me or anybody else who watch with me cry.
the best show that i ever watched.
a moment to remember is another nice show(:

anyw,just had a short chat with my DA YI MA.
she actually went up to the 3rd storey wanting to talk to me.
i know she wasnt too please becos i didnt answer her call or reply her message.
well, all the things were fixed.
what are there to talk about?
you people had already judge me in the way you thought i am.
was real disappointed.
my dearest aunt actually believe what her son told her.
she know the truth, but still, she didnt accept it.
well, i shall not say anything again. i promise.
i just want to see the ending of the story.
am i too cruel to say this?
but well, who could understand what im going through. not even my mum.
just how well do you people know what im thinking.
prove it to me.
i do not wish to do anything just to catch the attention of yours.
im just afraid, perhaps when that day come, its too late.
im not someone who can hide my emotions to certain people.
yes, you told me that i can confide to you.
but once again, you let me down. real down.

now, i felt that youre gone again.
time when i needed someone, you are no longer there.
it happen all the time.
just right after all the sweet moment.
should i get used to everything.

alright, theres a friend of mine who is ): now.
what else. friendship problem.
yes. friendship problem is something which will make someone feel that he/she is a failure. i know this friend of mine really loved her friend, more than anyone else.
she sacrificed alot for this friend. and now, this friend of hers make her felt cheated and stuff. seeing her like that, i felt ): too.
well. tab, cheer up alright.
i'll be right here supporting you. its not my words. but i hope you know i mean it(:

11.58pm. the ice that turned into tears.

to you,

seems like my predictions came true.
to me, you are becoming more like me, in some ways.
you might not feel it, but i know what i am. go think about it yes? hahah.
you are someone who is once very important to me. not that now not anymore.
but, some things has changed.
you are someone very unique. very special.
you are not like my any other friend.
between us, these are some taboo words,
NO "dearest bla bla" , "darling blabla" nor whatever.
to me, you are one that ANTI all those sweet words.
not that it is no good or what, but somehow..
we are friend that dont show love or concern through words. BUT ACTION.
yes, our friendship is the weirdEST ever.
eg. we dont talk to each other or treat each other like stranger for weeks or months. BUT after we meet up or end up talking on phone, the talk just lasted for HOURS and so on..
but somehow, our obstacles are always those FT rumours.
if its not about me, its will be about us.
have you ever wonder why its not rumours about you that affect US.
let me tell you, i wish not to believe. and not even want to mention infront of you.
a simple reason: i believe what i see, what i hear and how much i know about you. but not, what people told me or anything.
sometimes, i really hope that youre not affected by some stuff.
to my disppointment, you were very affected.
eg. you "avoided" me for WEEKS. for that stupid reason.
have you ever thought how i felt during that FEW WEEKS.
anyhows, i dont know what can i do to prevent everything from happening.
neither do i wish to press on you.( thats what i learnt from you anyway)
so i think trusting each other and ignore some stupid rumours is very important.
and why do i care so much about "that rumour"
because, i knew you would have doubts in me.
and who else can say that rumour to you? i somehow know the answer alright.
and im sure people who told you, are always that few person who like to gossip behind people's back. and somehow, i felt that they are also those few that like to gossip about me and spread those idiotic rumours. you might think im sensitive, but go think about it, am i wrong to say that?
we might think very differently, but i just felt we understand each other too well.
theres so much i want to tell you.
but once again, because of FEAR, i chose not to.
frankly,i hate to force people or press on anyone.
so i hope, you dont press on me either to tell you whatever things. and i promise, i will not.
its getting too long.
if anything, we'll settle it one day.
take care. REST WELL!(:


10.12pm. P.S I LOVE YOU, song that you shldnt miss(;

contradicting

sometimes, i wish we werent close.
sometimes, i wish we were closer.
i thought when we werent that close, we might not understand each other well enough. then theres less for us to explain.
but times when we are not close, i wish you can be there.
im telling myself not to expect much.
im telling myself not to care so much.
i did it.
i dont know how many times must i tell you that im tired about everything.
for all the things that ive done, i wanted you to show me its worth it.
but each time, its just disappointment after another.
i hope you wont make me a fool, but you did.
i dont know if we should continue, or maybe we should just end everything.
the one who holds the answer, its you.

new thing is always not as good as the old.
i will not throw it away.
but if you want me to do that, i will try to let everything go. i promise.

12.14pm longing for the smile of yours.

stand by me

Made a meal and threw it up on Sunday, I've,
Got a lot of things to learn,
Said I would and I believe in one day,
Before my heart starts to burn.
So whats the matter with you,
Sing me something new,
Don't you know the cold and wind and rain don't know,
They only seem to come and go, away.
Times are hard when things have got no meaning,
I've found a key upon the floor,
Maybe you and I will not believe in,
The thing we find behind the door.
So whats the matter with you,
Sing me something new,
Don't you know the cold and wind and rain don't know,
They only seem to come and go away.
Stand By Me,
Nobody knows the way it's gonna be,
Stand By Me,
Nobody knows the way it's gonna be,
Stand By Me,
Nobody knows the way it's gonna be,
Stand By Me,
Nobody knows,
Yeah nobody knows,
The way it's gonna be.
If your leaving will you take me with you,
I'm tired of talking on my phone,
There is one thing I can never give you,
My heart will never be your home,
So whats the matter with you,
Sing me something new,
Don't you know the cold and wind and rain don't know,
They only seem to come and go, away.
Stand By Me,
Nobody knows the way it's gonna be,
Stand By Me,
Nobody knows the way it's gonna be,
Stand By Me,
Nobody knows the way it's gonna be,
Stand By Me,
Nobody knows,
Yeah nobody knows,
The way it's gonna be.
The way it's gonna be, yeah.
Maybe I can see, yeah,
But don't you know the cold and wind and rain don't know
They only seem to come and go, away.
Stand By Me,
Nobody knows the way it's gonna be,
Stand By Me,
Nobody knows the way it's gonna be,
Stand By Me,
Nobody knows the way it's gonna be,
Stand by me,
Nobody knows,
Yeah God only knows,
The way it's gonna be.

a duper nice song by oasis. is by fate i get to know this song.
i dont feel like saying much already.
my heart, dead.

thanks fish-head. thanks for everything.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEANNETTE AND DARYL. loves!(:


8.26 i will not like that gruesome **. i swear

trust

its all about trust now.
i know you have loads of doubts, but why didnt you come to ask me.
i'll be sooo willing to say everything.
just because you say you are afraid that your words might hurt me?
and now you said, you wouldnt care about my feeling, and tell eveything that you have in mind about me. what is this?
have you ever wonder, how your words had already hurt me already?
well, whatever it is.
i'll take it. cause i'll never escape from you. i know.

johor

that trip was more of sleeping lahh.
cant we just take plane there.. wishful thinking of mine(:
anyw, rui yun is the best partner ever. i mean on the bus lahh.
she provides mag. food. drink. and shes quiet. YES, I LOVE PEACE. hahah
so my trip was a fruitful one.
though i didnt buy anything. NOTHING AT ALL.
but i got myself oil palm seed. haha.
its really different from my cambodia trip aye.
but somehow, everything was nice?
lunch was not a filling one.
but, edlin was really sweet lahh.
she's my best nanny can! hahah. loves!
hope they send pictures to me soon..
cos theres one "lesbo" picture, featuring mabel and tyb. directed by evonnie(:
hmm, dont think too.... its a sweet one alright.

alright, im missing so many many many people already.
well, i shall see them in my dream since theres no school! hahaha

thought of the day..

people who fight fire with fire usually ends up with ashes.

-Abigail Van Buren

alright, theres heading for every para. SO, hopefully you people know what im talking about aye. hahaha(:


bla bla time. till then, we'll meet(:

lost my way.

got back my progress report today.
its not impressive aye.
yes, its really time for me to do smt about it.
i must let nothing affect me anymore. NOTHING.
but how can i make it.. its another thing.
so the school hols is finally here.
its like FINALLY.
and all i want to do is SLEEP, but i know i cant.
cos some kind teacher had already bookED us.

alright. all the good thing seems to happen before i step into the school today.
met st on the bus, and we had a short chat.
its like FINALLY we meet? hahah.
then everything was still as good until i step into the school.
mrs loh came to talk to me again.
then followed by mr tan..
and loads of stuff happen..
but none really make me (:

i think i have the rights to speak the truth.
assumption? just whats wrong with you people?
dont you guys have something better to do?
please, i dont wish to be nasty.


alright. JOHOR trip tmr.
hope everything turns out well(:

7.38 your smile was so sweet. really.

Torture.

yes, i can blame you for all the things. cos its really your fault.
but, partly mine too.
i should have pick up that call.
a call that i chose not to pick up has cause so many problem.
once again, i regretted.
rather pointless to say anything now.
i cant hope and pray. i can do nothing.
i just hate myself.
if only, there was a second chance..

5.43pm im really a FT now.

its just another regret.
things that you dont know how to control.
it gets rather helpless.
i hope i can stop it.
but somehow, im already too late for certain things..

- where are you.

TIRED.

felt so weak.
then i felt so bad.
tonight wasnt satisfying anyway.
i have never felt so bad before. really.
you just chose not to take it away.
i dont even hope for a tomorrow..


UNKNOWN. till then, the night is over.

its late now. cant tell you ppl what time yea.
if not, i will scolded for NOT SLEEPING EARLY AGAIN.
really wanna thank ppl who is always sending me sms telling me to sleep early and stuff.
i appreciate it alot. really(:

anyw, friday night was great.
i love that night.
you guys know what im saying right? hahaha
i know everyone gonna miss that 3 days.
yes, its just a short 3 days, but it will really make a whole lot of difference.
hopefully, i will be able to "maintain".

hmm.. went to mum's friend's in-law hse. was nice yahh.
got to say ALDEN was damn cute. hahaha.
no pictures to show you people at the moment. haha. next time okay!
the rest of my weekend, was at home.
had a long talk with mum again..
its still as nice(:
that bowl of "ai-xin mian" was definitely the best ever! I LOVE!(:

shld we just leave everything aside becos of the word FEAR?
perhaps, when times goes by.. everything will be gone.
feelings too. will it? by then, we might not feel like solving that unsovled problem.
i dun wish to leave any comment about it.
cos till this moment, i dont really know howda answer this simple but yet difficult question.

alright. i think i shall stop here.

UNKNOWN TIME. remember me this way(:

alright. the purpose of today's talk is to make us CRY?
i dont think so. it actually want us to feel guilty and so on..
wanna know more..talk to me(:
i'll be more than happy to share with you my whatever things..
i dunno if im comforting ppl just now..
but after i talk to edlin, she kinda cried again becos of my words.
which i think its a good sign. dont you think so? hahaha.
think it in a different angle alright..

alright. grandmum just told me her elder sister passed away today.
for a moment, i stood there and did nothing..
time for me to do something yea, i think..
i wanna treat them nicer from now onwards.
cos i dunno when will this chance of mine be taken away, and that i couldnt have it back.
i really dun want to have any regrets aye.

anyw, i realised my friendster's testimonials are getting lesser and lesser..
friend, i know you got my password.
but please, dont delete any of my testimonial anymore..
i know you have good intentions.
you said that it was just to prevent me from viewing "back" my old long ago testimonials..
testimonials wont affect me alright.
but now that you have deleted almost everything.. i cant do anything yes?
no worries, past is not present.
please have faith in me. STOP doing all those things yea? really.
thanks(:

such thing happens all the time..
this minute you tell me that you cant go out, the next moment i saw you out with another person.
then, you look at me in a very guilty manner..
you were quite suprised for what i did..
i turned and walk off.
not that im angy, but i said ENJOY YOURSELF instead. and i really hope you did.
since you chose it, enjoy it yes?
the last thing i want to see is seeing you regretting. really
so,convince me instead.
with all my heart, please be happy.


10.59pm. dreamland, im on my way alright(:

so today was adam khoo's workshop.
but sadly, our workshop was not conducted by him.
i just cant figure out why people laugh when things arent funny to laugh at?
afterall, today was not that bad. yahh.

it was short. really a "short" chat with dawn just now.
but somehow, it was enough.
at least she know that why i shifted place to the "other side".
not becos im affected by anyone. but mainly becos madeline never fails to entertain me yea(: hahaha
thanks my AWESOME FRIEND, DAWN KOH(:
thanks to mad. too(:

cher and i discovered smt..
when shes in good terms with her mum, my mum and i dont.
and when im in good terms with my mum, her mum and her dont.
see the pattern? that left us scratching our head and WONDER WHY! hahaha
and guess whats happening now..
oh boy, i rather not think about it..

11.16pm. dreamland, HERE I COME(: